Sun & Sneakers

Yesterday... Whew! Yesterday!
Yesterday was "one of those days" - to say the least.
It started from the very beginning of my day - in the morning on my way to work, & lasted, pretty much all day.
Now, normally, NORMALLY when I would have a day like that, my first thought would be "TEQUILA! OH TEQUILA! WHERE ARE THOU?"
Actually, if I'm being honest...it was!
It was 10:50am & I told the girls @ work, "Goodness! It isn't even noon yet & I already need a shot of tequila!"

Then I went to lunch & again! It was "just one of those days" & as I was driving back to work, probably going to be a few minutes late b/c they took forever on my order, then thought they gave it to someone else & then b/c the car in front of me decided that the yellow light means stop when we both could have went through w/plenty of time before it turned red!
But as I was sitting in my car, thinking to myself, all the while cursing out the car in front of me, something urged me to let down my window.
So I let it down, & let my arm rest so that the scorching Texas sun could kiss my skin.
And I thought, "I really just want to get out of this traffic, get out of this car & run... just run..."
And for ME - that is UNusual!
Even when I was thin, in shape & all that jazz, I HATED running. Yuck!


But for some reason, after the day that I had (so far, at that point), the heat from the sun was so... inviting. LOL. Even if it meant running! :)


The work day ended & I went home waiting for My Lovely to return from her visit w/her father.
I had 50 minutes until she came home.
Our apartment is poolside & so I considered just going to the pool & laying out, but then figured I should do something more productive, more beneficial & well, frankly... away from all those bad kids that they pool was full of.


I grabbed my sneakers (the only pair that I have at my apartment b/c all the rest are still at my parents' house), threw on some shorts & a tee, grabbed my shades, my key & my phone.
(I seriously considered not even taking that but now that I'm a mommy I feel the need to have it w/me at all times.)
And I set out.
I didn't run the entire way.
It was more like a walk, jog, walk, jog, walk kind of thing. :)
But even still, it was.... refreshing.
Did it kill me? Absolutely!
Did my legs feel like jello? Of course they did!
By the time got halfway down the last street, did I wish I hadn't taken that route? Yep!

BUT...it was everything else that happened during my run/jog/walk outing that was great.
I felt.... ALIVE.
I mean really really ALIVE.
Cars & trucks rushed by & it was just white noise - in the distance.
All I could hear was my feet hitting the pavement (while I thought, "Dang! I really do need new tennis!") & my breath - heavy, deep & turning into a desperate pant.
All I could feel was my legs, the sun & sweat.
I felt my legs hurting, aching, feeling closer & closer to giving out w/every step I took.
And the sun relentlessly shining on me - smothering me w/its heat w/absolutely no mercy.
And sweat on my brow, dripping down to my eyebrows & falling into my eyes.

I was left alone to myself, my sweat, & the sun.
And as I turned down the last street, about to finish the last part of my jog/walk...I really was wishing that I had taken another route - or at least brought some water - b/c I was feeling woozy & sick.
But I kept telling myself, "C'mon! Don't stop! The quicker you go, the quicker you finish & get done! Don't stop now! You did good so far! C'mon Jess! Don't let yourself quit! This is JUST a little jog & there is NO WAY that you can let this little jog defeat you! If this beats you, everything else will too! C'mon! Look! You are even closer now! Just don't stop, don't let your feet stop!"

And I realized... I haven't talked to myself in a looooooooooooong time - TOO long!
I haven't encouraged myself, pushed myself or given myself a pep talk & been my own cheerleader for anything in a long time.
Really! I can't even remember the last time.
The last time that I remember talking to myself & pushing myself on a consistent, daily basis was when I as in high school.
HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!
Oh my goodness, who am I?
I was taken quickly back to practices after school, hopping up those steps behind our gym, talking to myself all the while.
To a time when my biggest concerns were the next big test, big tournament & what movie my boyfriend & I were going to see that weekend.
Wow!
SUCH a simple time & yet that is when I chose to talk to myself.
When did I stop talking to myself?
When did I stop encouraging myself?
When I stop pushing myself?
When did I decide that I would settle?
Even more importantly & what is more scary, how did I not notice that I was settling?
The truth is... I don't know the answer to any of these questions.


I guess somewhere between then & now, life happened & reality set in.
I guess one day I realized that I was a silly bright-eyed teenager & I needed "grow up" & accept the reality of what life really was.
But, why does "growing up" have to mean settling?
Does settling equal responsibility?
No. At least it shouldn't.
*SIGH*
And since when does "growing up" mean not having conversations w/your self to keep yourself encourage, push yourself to strive for more & just plain help you survive?
B/c it seems like we need to give ourselves that the most b/c we are all grown up!
I don't know about you, but I know I could have really used that silly bright-eyed teenager talking to me the past couple of years!
You know that person that we all used to be in high school?
The one that thought that you would go to college, get your degree in 3 years instead of 4, then finish grad school in record time, become a lawyer/doctor/astronaut/scientist or all of the above if you wanted to, & somewhere in between that marry a lawyer/doctor/astronaut who was gorgeous & madly in love with you & have these magnificently perfect children!
What happened to that hope & that fresh outlook on life?
Truth is...
I don't know, Folks!

But I'm determined to find it & one thing I did learn yesterday...
Sun & Sneakers took me back to that girl - even if it was just for a moment! :-)