Hello All,
So, I needed to share my moment of epiphany w/all of you.
When I was younger, I said I was going to be lawyer, or, at the very least, a big wig @ a Fortune 500 company. That was my goal. Nothing more, nothing less.
I used to say, "I'm going to go to college, get my degree, then go to law school, then open up a practice, & if I happen to find a husband & maybe have kids somewhere in between, cool, if not, no biggie! As long as I have my degree(s), my career & my power suit, I'll be completely happy!"
That was the image I sought - the person I aspired to be.
The briefcase, power suit, sideswept bang slicked back ponytail & reading glasses... that was "IT" for me. I wanted to have business meetings, conference calls, & presentations to give/attend.
When I envisioned my life in 10 years, I saw myself calling home to my parents from the corporate jet telling them hello & where I was headed that week & that I was terribly busy but that I'd sent them some grand gift & they should be getting it soon.
Literally, I envisioned myself purchasing a home all on my own - that was sleek & modern & huge. I imagined coming home from work to a "peaceful" (aka deathly quiet) house w/everything in place & working on my laptop for hours on end.
That was my "Dream Life" at the time.
Now, keep in mind that my entire life... My mother (who is, by society's standards, my grandmother - I was raised by my grandparents, but in reality, she is my mother) --- My mom was a stay-at-home mom. And this was the opposite of the glamourous, powerful life I wanted for myself.
Let me try to get you to understand what my life was like growing up...
I would wake up to the smell of breakfast that was already made & clothes that were clean & pressed laid out for me. I would get ready & be sent to school looking good with a full belly. And I'd come home from school or practice & would get to the door & I could smell the kitchen before we opened the door. And then when we did open the door, I could smell the clean-ness. The scent of whatever she used to polish the furniture & clean the floors, the smell of a freshly cleaned bathroom & then I'd open up the door to my room & my bed was made & everything was in place. I'd throw my backpack on the floor, or the bed or wherever it landed, & kick off my shoes in the middle of the room... I'd take off a sock & throw it wherever...
I'd walk to get pj's so I could go shower & throw the other sock somewhere along the way...
Open up the drawer to get my clothes & the scent of freshly washed clothes would hit my nostrils before my eyes could see that every piece was so carefully folded & organized & placed w/such detail & care.
I'd rummage through the drawer finding whatever it is I was wanting to wear that evening - messing up all the work my Mom did in between.
I'd get frustrated b/c I couldn't find what I was looking for, & start taking stuff out & throwing it on the bed, eventually saying, "MOM! Where is....????" She would walk into my room, walk directly to its "proper" place & pick it out & say, "Here you go. It's where it is supposed to go." And walk out.
I'd yell that I was going to take a shower & would be out to have dinner soon.
When I got out of the shower... my clothes had magically made themselves from my bed back into my drawer.
I'd call my Mom asking if she could brush my hair, & she would... so lovingly.
Then I'd go to the kitchen, scarf down whatever delicious dish she prepared for us that day, & toss my dish in the sink, kiss her cheek & say, "Thanks Mom! It was good!" & run to my bedroom & stay there for the rest of the night, half working on homework, half chatting w/friends.
Before I would go to bed for the night, I'd come out of my room & the kitchen was magically clean - spotless - as though no one had eaten a thing.
And I'd grab a glass of milk or juice & some cookies or whatever.
Toss that in the sink, kiss my Mom & tell her goodnight w/o a second thought.
And the next day, I'd do it all again.
Only the next morning, I would be scrambling to find my jersey & uniform for my game that afternoon. My Mom would have everything ready to go. And again, like magic... I didn't go to bed w/my uniform clean, pressed & sitting on my vanity ready for me to put in my gym bag, but when I woke up, it was there. It had magically made its way there sometime throughout the night.
I lived this "magical" life - this SPOILED life - each & every day.
But YET...
When I was at school, during class, when we were asked what our future plans & goals were...
Mine were grand.
And the girls who said they wanted to be a wife & a mother disgusted me.
The girls who said, "I just want to be a stay-at-home mom." I had no respect for & I thought how pitiful they were - to not want to do something better for themselves.
SOOOOOOO....
Fast forward, 8 years later...
Sunday afternoon, & I was lying in my bed, watching my baby sleep as she took her afternoon nap.
I looked around - my life is quite different than what I thought it would be.
Looking up at the ceiling, I snickered at how different my little 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment was from the home I used to dream about when I was younger.
I wasn't calling my parents from a private jet just to say hey, I don't have time, but I'll send ya something nice... I was thinking about where we should go for dinner that day when my daughter woke up from her nap. And... I looked around...
There was a pile of laundry that had been sitting on my floor for 3 days waiting to get done.
There was a pile of CLEAN laundry that was dumped in my daughter's playpen waiting to get folded for 2 days!
And there was a cup of juice I was drinking & an empty yogurt cup that my daughter had for breakfast that morning before we left for church that still hadn't made its way to the sink - even after we had been home from church for about an hour...
I looked down at my baby girl & to my surprise...
I thought to myself, "I'm so happy right now. And I wouldn't trade this life for anything."
Then I looked around again, & to my surprise...
I thought, "I want to be just like my Mom."
Funny, eh?
I spent years not thinking twice about everything my Mom did.
I spent years disregarding all the cooking, cleaning, caretaking & keeping house she did - b/c it wasn't "glamourous" or "powerful" & now... as I grow into the woman I am destined to become...
I truly do just want to be just like her.
Okay, Okay, well maybe not JUST like her.... LOL... but...
I sure do want to be a lot like her.
If I could be half the mom to my daughter that my mother was to me, I'd be happy!
My Mom really is amazing.
You see my Mom was - & still is - the "MAGIC" in our home & in our family. She was the one up early, making sure everyone was fed well, & staying up late after we all went to bed to make sure everything was clean & put away & ready for the next day.
And guess what?
This blows my mind even more...
She never had a hair out of place & always had make-up on!
My Mother never walked out of the house w/o her hair done & combed perfectly, her clothes clean & crisply ironed & her lipstick, mascara & blush perfectly applied - & don't forget her lovely perfume that lingered in your nostrils after she walked by. She has always HAD IT TOGETHER.
Even to this day, she is 62 years old & she STILL wakes up earlier than I do, works so much harder than I do, is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more productive each day than I am, & goes to bed later than I do!
AND LOOKS BETTER THAN ANY OF HER CHILDREN!
Seriously... it is... incredible.
I swear, BOTH my parents must be superheroes! (I'll tell you about my Daddy another day)
And now... 8 years & 1 baby later...
I just want to be like my Mom.
Being a stay-at-home mom is a dream that I would so love to have become reality & actually... quite powerful now that I know exactly what that means.
And if I could do it almost as good as my Mom did... you would be amazed.
Funny how God teaches us lessons as we continue on this journey called life.
This one.... I will cherish. :)
Monday, September 12, 2011
Much Too Long...
So I know it has been entirely too long since I have written in this space.
A few people have asked me about it over the past 2 months & I have promised that I would write soon & have yet to do it until now.
Shame on me, I know.
But I have not abandoned this space, nor have I abandoned this journey.
Actually, the lack of presence on this little corner of the world wide web is a direct result of me being totally engulfed in this journey of mine - of ours.
So, yes, I have alot to fill un in.
I have started a few posts & not been able to finish so I'm going to try to get those - at least one specific one - completed & posted before filling you in on the rest.
So stay tuned, Folks...
Don't forget about me & my journey! I haven't forgotten about you! :)
A few people have asked me about it over the past 2 months & I have promised that I would write soon & have yet to do it until now.
Shame on me, I know.
But I have not abandoned this space, nor have I abandoned this journey.
Actually, the lack of presence on this little corner of the world wide web is a direct result of me being totally engulfed in this journey of mine - of ours.
So, yes, I have alot to fill un in.
I have started a few posts & not been able to finish so I'm going to try to get those - at least one specific one - completed & posted before filling you in on the rest.
So stay tuned, Folks...
Don't forget about me & my journey! I haven't forgotten about you! :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam
Last night I sang to My Lovely as I rocked her into a state of nocturnal bliss.
And the song I sang was:
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam,
To shine for Him each day;
In every way try to please Him,
At home, at school, at play.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
Jesus wants me to be loving,
And kind to all I see;
Showing how pleasant and happy
His little one can be.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
I will ask Jesus to help me,
To keep my heart from sin;
Ever reflecting His goodness,
And always shine for Him.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
I'll be a sunbeam for Jesus;
I can if I but try;
Serving Him moment by moment,
Then live with Him on high.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him
It made me think... I really want her to hear these words, grow up knowing these words & be convicted & always reminded of these words each day as she goes about her days.
But, am I really living this myself?
Am I shining for Him each day?
Am I pleasing Him - at home, at work, at play?
Am I loving & kind to all I see?
Am I consistently pleasant & happy?
Am I all of these things?
Do I even make a conscious effort on a daily basis to do this - to be this?
But yet, I expect my 14 month old daughter to learn this song, grow to understand it, & then live it out?
WOW!
How completely hypocritical of me!
So, as I softly sang each syllable of each word in this song, & I watched her eyes become heavy & close, I stared at her beautiful perfect little face - her lashes long, dark, curled & beautiful - even w/her eyes closed. Her lips, perfectly rosy & plump.
Her skin - smooth, flawless & creamy.
And those dark, spiral curls of silky hair falling all over her face & frankly, all over the place!
Just.... perfection - God's miracle - the manifestation of His ultimate mercy, grace, love & blessings in my life.
And I realized...
At 14 months, this tiny little being already lives the words of that song - EFFORTLESSLY!
And I fail - CONSTANTLY.
You see, she is pure.
She is radiant without effort, so she truly is a sunbeam - to everyone she meets.
And she treats everyone the same.
She doesn't care if you are black, white, pink or green.
She doesn't care how much money you make or what religion you practice.
She doesn't care if you are young or old, fat or thin.
In her eyes, a millionaire is just the same as the homeless man on the corner.
So she smiles the exact same smile at everyone - a genuine smile.
And she looks at all people through the exact same innocent eyes.
All people are equal to her.
So really... I have to remind myself of this, & then live it out, & THEN, as she grows - it will simply be who she is. Not something that I have to constantly teach her.
If she sees that is who I am & how I live, then it will in turn, be who she is & how she lives.
I'm sure I'll fail many a times - over & over between now & the day I die.
But I have decided to make a conscious effort to be that sunbeam - if for no one else, for her & especially for the God so merciful that He chose to bless me w/her.
So after a long & frustrating week & coming to work in a... well, frankly... crabby mood & a funk that I didn't want to come out of, I woke up this morning & was reminded "sunbeam" so I came in smiling & have made a conscious effort to remain joyful all day.
And guess what?
I genuinely FEEL better - on the inside.
I no longer FEEL crabby.
My funk is gone.
Not b/c it left on its own, but b/c I chose to not embrace it!
............
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him :)
And the song I sang was:
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam,
To shine for Him each day;
In every way try to please Him,
At home, at school, at play.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
Jesus wants me to be loving,
And kind to all I see;
Showing how pleasant and happy
His little one can be.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
I will ask Jesus to help me,
To keep my heart from sin;
Ever reflecting His goodness,
And always shine for Him.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
I'll be a sunbeam for Jesus;
I can if I but try;
Serving Him moment by moment,
Then live with Him on high.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him
It made me think... I really want her to hear these words, grow up knowing these words & be convicted & always reminded of these words each day as she goes about her days.
But, am I really living this myself?
Am I shining for Him each day?
Am I pleasing Him - at home, at work, at play?
Am I loving & kind to all I see?
Am I consistently pleasant & happy?
Am I all of these things?
Do I even make a conscious effort on a daily basis to do this - to be this?
But yet, I expect my 14 month old daughter to learn this song, grow to understand it, & then live it out?
WOW!
How completely hypocritical of me!
So, as I softly sang each syllable of each word in this song, & I watched her eyes become heavy & close, I stared at her beautiful perfect little face - her lashes long, dark, curled & beautiful - even w/her eyes closed. Her lips, perfectly rosy & plump.
Her skin - smooth, flawless & creamy.
And those dark, spiral curls of silky hair falling all over her face & frankly, all over the place!
Just.... perfection - God's miracle - the manifestation of His ultimate mercy, grace, love & blessings in my life.
And I realized...
At 14 months, this tiny little being already lives the words of that song - EFFORTLESSLY!
And I fail - CONSTANTLY.
You see, she is pure.
She is radiant without effort, so she truly is a sunbeam - to everyone she meets.
And she treats everyone the same.
She doesn't care if you are black, white, pink or green.
She doesn't care how much money you make or what religion you practice.
She doesn't care if you are young or old, fat or thin.
In her eyes, a millionaire is just the same as the homeless man on the corner.
So she smiles the exact same smile at everyone - a genuine smile.
And she looks at all people through the exact same innocent eyes.
All people are equal to her.
So really... I have to remind myself of this, & then live it out, & THEN, as she grows - it will simply be who she is. Not something that I have to constantly teach her.
If she sees that is who I am & how I live, then it will in turn, be who she is & how she lives.
I'm sure I'll fail many a times - over & over between now & the day I die.
But I have decided to make a conscious effort to be that sunbeam - if for no one else, for her & especially for the God so merciful that He chose to bless me w/her.
So after a long & frustrating week & coming to work in a... well, frankly... crabby mood & a funk that I didn't want to come out of, I woke up this morning & was reminded "sunbeam" so I came in smiling & have made a conscious effort to remain joyful all day.
And guess what?
I genuinely FEEL better - on the inside.
I no longer FEEL crabby.
My funk is gone.
Not b/c it left on its own, but b/c I chose to not embrace it!
............
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for Him :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Sun & Sneakers
Yesterday... Whew! Yesterday!
Yesterday was "one of those days" - to say the least.
It started from the very beginning of my day - in the morning on my way to work, & lasted, pretty much all day.
Now, normally, NORMALLY when I would have a day like that, my first thought would be "TEQUILA! OH TEQUILA! WHERE ARE THOU?"
Actually, if I'm being honest...it was!
It was 10:50am & I told the girls @ work, "Goodness! It isn't even noon yet & I already need a shot of tequila!"
Then I went to lunch & again! It was "just one of those days" & as I was driving back to work, probably going to be a few minutes late b/c they took forever on my order, then thought they gave it to someone else & then b/c the car in front of me decided that the yellow light means stop when we both could have went through w/plenty of time before it turned red!
But as I was sitting in my car, thinking to myself, all the while cursing out the car in front of me, something urged me to let down my window.
So I let it down, & let my arm rest so that the scorching Texas sun could kiss my skin.
And I thought, "I really just want to get out of this traffic, get out of this car & run... just run..."
And for ME - that is UNusual!
Even when I was thin, in shape & all that jazz, I HATED running. Yuck!
But for some reason, after the day that I had (so far, at that point), the heat from the sun was so... inviting. LOL. Even if it meant running! :)
The work day ended & I went home waiting for My Lovely to return from her visit w/her father.
I had 50 minutes until she came home.
Our apartment is poolside & so I considered just going to the pool & laying out, but then figured I should do something more productive, more beneficial & well, frankly... away from all those bad kids that they pool was full of.
I grabbed my sneakers (the only pair that I have at my apartment b/c all the rest are still at my parents' house), threw on some shorts & a tee, grabbed my shades, my key & my phone.
(I seriously considered not even taking that but now that I'm a mommy I feel the need to have it w/me at all times.)
And I set out.
I didn't run the entire way.
It was more like a walk, jog, walk, jog, walk kind of thing. :)
But even still, it was.... refreshing.
Did it kill me? Absolutely!
Did my legs feel like jello? Of course they did!
By the time got halfway down the last street, did I wish I hadn't taken that route? Yep!
BUT...it was everything else that happened during my run/jog/walk outing that was great.
I felt.... ALIVE.
I mean really really ALIVE.
Cars & trucks rushed by & it was just white noise - in the distance.
All I could hear was my feet hitting the pavement (while I thought, "Dang! I really do need new tennis!") & my breath - heavy, deep & turning into a desperate pant.
All I could feel was my legs, the sun & sweat.
I felt my legs hurting, aching, feeling closer & closer to giving out w/every step I took.
And the sun relentlessly shining on me - smothering me w/its heat w/absolutely no mercy.
And sweat on my brow, dripping down to my eyebrows & falling into my eyes.
I was left alone to myself, my sweat, & the sun.
And as I turned down the last street, about to finish the last part of my jog/walk...I really was wishing that I had taken another route - or at least brought some water - b/c I was feeling woozy & sick.
But I kept telling myself, "C'mon! Don't stop! The quicker you go, the quicker you finish & get done! Don't stop now! You did good so far! C'mon Jess! Don't let yourself quit! This is JUST a little jog & there is NO WAY that you can let this little jog defeat you! If this beats you, everything else will too! C'mon! Look! You are even closer now! Just don't stop, don't let your feet stop!"
And I realized... I haven't talked to myself in a looooooooooooong time - TOO long!
I haven't encouraged myself, pushed myself or given myself a pep talk & been my own cheerleader for anything in a long time.
Really! I can't even remember the last time.
The last time that I remember talking to myself & pushing myself on a consistent, daily basis was when I as in high school.
HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!
Oh my goodness, who am I?
I was taken quickly back to practices after school, hopping up those steps behind our gym, talking to myself all the while.
To a time when my biggest concerns were the next big test, big tournament & what movie my boyfriend & I were going to see that weekend.
Wow!
SUCH a simple time & yet that is when I chose to talk to myself.
When did I stop talking to myself?
When did I stop encouraging myself?
When I stop pushing myself?
When did I decide that I would settle?
Even more importantly & what is more scary, how did I not notice that I was settling?
The truth is... I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
I guess somewhere between then & now, life happened & reality set in.
I guess one day I realized that I was a silly bright-eyed teenager & I needed "grow up" & accept the reality of what life really was.
But, why does "growing up" have to mean settling?
Does settling equal responsibility?
No. At least it shouldn't.
*SIGH*
And since when does "growing up" mean not having conversations w/your self to keep yourself encourage, push yourself to strive for more & just plain help you survive?
B/c it seems like we need to give ourselves that the most b/c we are all grown up!
I don't know about you, but I know I could have really used that silly bright-eyed teenager talking to me the past couple of years!
You know that person that we all used to be in high school?
The one that thought that you would go to college, get your degree in 3 years instead of 4, then finish grad school in record time, become a lawyer/doctor/astronaut/scientist or all of the above if you wanted to, & somewhere in between that marry a lawyer/doctor/astronaut who was gorgeous & madly in love with you & have these magnificently perfect children!
What happened to that hope & that fresh outlook on life?
Truth is...
I don't know, Folks!
But I'm determined to find it & one thing I did learn yesterday...
Sun & Sneakers took me back to that girl - even if it was just for a moment! :-)
Yesterday was "one of those days" - to say the least.
It started from the very beginning of my day - in the morning on my way to work, & lasted, pretty much all day.
Now, normally, NORMALLY when I would have a day like that, my first thought would be "TEQUILA! OH TEQUILA! WHERE ARE THOU?"
Actually, if I'm being honest...it was!
It was 10:50am & I told the girls @ work, "Goodness! It isn't even noon yet & I already need a shot of tequila!"
Then I went to lunch & again! It was "just one of those days" & as I was driving back to work, probably going to be a few minutes late b/c they took forever on my order, then thought they gave it to someone else & then b/c the car in front of me decided that the yellow light means stop when we both could have went through w/plenty of time before it turned red!
But as I was sitting in my car, thinking to myself, all the while cursing out the car in front of me, something urged me to let down my window.
So I let it down, & let my arm rest so that the scorching Texas sun could kiss my skin.
And I thought, "I really just want to get out of this traffic, get out of this car & run... just run..."
And for ME - that is UNusual!
Even when I was thin, in shape & all that jazz, I HATED running. Yuck!
But for some reason, after the day that I had (so far, at that point), the heat from the sun was so... inviting. LOL. Even if it meant running! :)
The work day ended & I went home waiting for My Lovely to return from her visit w/her father.
I had 50 minutes until she came home.
Our apartment is poolside & so I considered just going to the pool & laying out, but then figured I should do something more productive, more beneficial & well, frankly... away from all those bad kids that they pool was full of.
I grabbed my sneakers (the only pair that I have at my apartment b/c all the rest are still at my parents' house), threw on some shorts & a tee, grabbed my shades, my key & my phone.
(I seriously considered not even taking that but now that I'm a mommy I feel the need to have it w/me at all times.)
And I set out.
I didn't run the entire way.
It was more like a walk, jog, walk, jog, walk kind of thing. :)
But even still, it was.... refreshing.
Did it kill me? Absolutely!
Did my legs feel like jello? Of course they did!
By the time got halfway down the last street, did I wish I hadn't taken that route? Yep!
BUT...it was everything else that happened during my run/jog/walk outing that was great.
I felt.... ALIVE.
I mean really really ALIVE.
Cars & trucks rushed by & it was just white noise - in the distance.
All I could hear was my feet hitting the pavement (while I thought, "Dang! I really do need new tennis!") & my breath - heavy, deep & turning into a desperate pant.
All I could feel was my legs, the sun & sweat.
I felt my legs hurting, aching, feeling closer & closer to giving out w/every step I took.
And the sun relentlessly shining on me - smothering me w/its heat w/absolutely no mercy.
And sweat on my brow, dripping down to my eyebrows & falling into my eyes.
I was left alone to myself, my sweat, & the sun.
And as I turned down the last street, about to finish the last part of my jog/walk...I really was wishing that I had taken another route - or at least brought some water - b/c I was feeling woozy & sick.
But I kept telling myself, "C'mon! Don't stop! The quicker you go, the quicker you finish & get done! Don't stop now! You did good so far! C'mon Jess! Don't let yourself quit! This is JUST a little jog & there is NO WAY that you can let this little jog defeat you! If this beats you, everything else will too! C'mon! Look! You are even closer now! Just don't stop, don't let your feet stop!"
And I realized... I haven't talked to myself in a looooooooooooong time - TOO long!
I haven't encouraged myself, pushed myself or given myself a pep talk & been my own cheerleader for anything in a long time.
Really! I can't even remember the last time.
The last time that I remember talking to myself & pushing myself on a consistent, daily basis was when I as in high school.
HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!
Oh my goodness, who am I?
I was taken quickly back to practices after school, hopping up those steps behind our gym, talking to myself all the while.
To a time when my biggest concerns were the next big test, big tournament & what movie my boyfriend & I were going to see that weekend.
Wow!
SUCH a simple time & yet that is when I chose to talk to myself.
When did I stop talking to myself?
When did I stop encouraging myself?
When I stop pushing myself?
When did I decide that I would settle?
Even more importantly & what is more scary, how did I not notice that I was settling?
The truth is... I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
I guess somewhere between then & now, life happened & reality set in.
I guess one day I realized that I was a silly bright-eyed teenager & I needed "grow up" & accept the reality of what life really was.
But, why does "growing up" have to mean settling?
Does settling equal responsibility?
No. At least it shouldn't.
*SIGH*
And since when does "growing up" mean not having conversations w/your self to keep yourself encourage, push yourself to strive for more & just plain help you survive?
B/c it seems like we need to give ourselves that the most b/c we are all grown up!
I don't know about you, but I know I could have really used that silly bright-eyed teenager talking to me the past couple of years!
You know that person that we all used to be in high school?
The one that thought that you would go to college, get your degree in 3 years instead of 4, then finish grad school in record time, become a lawyer/doctor/astronaut/scientist or all of the above if you wanted to, & somewhere in between that marry a lawyer/doctor/astronaut who was gorgeous & madly in love with you & have these magnificently perfect children!
What happened to that hope & that fresh outlook on life?
Truth is...
I don't know, Folks!
But I'm determined to find it & one thing I did learn yesterday...
Sun & Sneakers took me back to that girl - even if it was just for a moment! :-)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Apologies, Updates, & A Genuine Wish
Well Folks, I do realize it has been a while since my initial post. I have not forgotten about you, nor have I abandoned this tiny little part of the grand cyberworld. :) Quite the contrary actually. I have decided to move my blog to this website, so that those who truly do want to "follow" can, & those who don't, won't be bombarded w/constant "notes" on my FB page.
I do apologize for such a delay in giving you the "next page" & it is my genuine wish that I will be able to keep this blog current & maintain a daily (if not, very close to daily) post. Bear with me on this as there often doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day - on MOST days.
I am anticipating some sort of normalcy & routine to grab my life very soon. I am taking the appropriate actions to make that happen. I expect this routine to begin w/in a few short weeks. In the meantime, please bear with me. :)
Well, there is my apologies & my wish.
Now, for the updates.
Since I last posted, I have taken a few major steps to begin this journey of mine & create my world & make my life what *I* want it to be!
I can't disclose the biggest step as of yet, but it was a big step.
What the result will be - well, truthfully, I am not sure.
Only time will tell & in the meantime, I continue to pray & ask this amazing God of ours for mercy, grace & justice. I am trusting that *HE* will have His hands in every aspect & will do what is best for all. HE is a good God & I've got to continue trusting that.
Aside from that, I have some major decisions to make very soon.
Not anything dramatic or traumatic - just... decisions... life decisions.
The blessing is that I DO have options. I am not 'stuck' in any one place or taking any one road.
That is indeed a blessing.
On the flip side, w/options comes the pressure of having to make the best, most responsible decision - not just for me, but for my daughter as well.
And Boy! It is pressure.
BUT, that pressure is an honor that I humbly accept - as her mother.
I may spend lots of time on my knees, asking God for guidance & to please "show me" & correct me, but my prayers always end the same...
W/me on my knees, looking up to the heavens, w/tears in my eyes, saying "Thank you. Thank you so much. I don't know why you chose me to love her, nurture her, protect her & raise her, but THANK YOU JESUS! I am doing my best, God. I really am. Help me do better! And... THANK YOU. I love you."
So, these decisions will soon be standing directly in front of me, looking me square in the eye & saying, "What are you gonna do? Huh?"
A great part of these choices to be made are going to be based on the results of some things (the ones I can't really talk about yet).
For now, I wait. Patiently. Anxiously. Quietly. Just... wait.
Part of the reason that so much time has elapsed between my first post, moving the blog to this website & the next post is b/c I was a bit under the weather, & then my sweet sweet baby took ill for a few days after I did. It was a scary time for me as "Mommy" but she is doing so much better & seems to be back to her happy, healthy self! :)
There is alot going on in my life at the present & I can't really inform you of it all, but trust - it is a doozie! BUT... the stories will be told... eventually... when it is necessary & appropriate.
That time just isn't now.
Anyways, I have also seen a doctor, have been recommended to a couple of other doctors & well, frankly... I don't know how I feel about it all. Doctors, doctors, doctors & yet still no answers. Hmmm... I don't know if this is the route I want to go anymore.
I think I may try something very different - if it doesn't work, I won't be any worse off then I am now. And if it does... well... then it can only get better & better!
I am feeling a lifestyle change. I really am.
There is an itch to make some drastic changes that I have never really felt before.
There is an ache deep in my bones to change the way that I live.
I am moving slowly to make sure that I am making clear, well thought out decisions that are best for both my daughter & I.
The first step is to get a consultation for acupuncture & move into that form of "treatment" before I let anyone decide to do any other surgery on me or the likes.
I am in search of a place & person that feels "right" & I'm hoping to find that very soon.
Well Folks, I guess I have said enough for this post.
Hope this helps you to feel "caught up" - at least for the moment!
Create your world! ;)
Until next time...
I do apologize for such a delay in giving you the "next page" & it is my genuine wish that I will be able to keep this blog current & maintain a daily (if not, very close to daily) post. Bear with me on this as there often doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day - on MOST days.
I am anticipating some sort of normalcy & routine to grab my life very soon. I am taking the appropriate actions to make that happen. I expect this routine to begin w/in a few short weeks. In the meantime, please bear with me. :)
Well, there is my apologies & my wish.
Now, for the updates.
Since I last posted, I have taken a few major steps to begin this journey of mine & create my world & make my life what *I* want it to be!
I can't disclose the biggest step as of yet, but it was a big step.
What the result will be - well, truthfully, I am not sure.
Only time will tell & in the meantime, I continue to pray & ask this amazing God of ours for mercy, grace & justice. I am trusting that *HE* will have His hands in every aspect & will do what is best for all. HE is a good God & I've got to continue trusting that.
Aside from that, I have some major decisions to make very soon.
Not anything dramatic or traumatic - just... decisions... life decisions.
The blessing is that I DO have options. I am not 'stuck' in any one place or taking any one road.
That is indeed a blessing.
On the flip side, w/options comes the pressure of having to make the best, most responsible decision - not just for me, but for my daughter as well.
And Boy! It is pressure.
BUT, that pressure is an honor that I humbly accept - as her mother.
I may spend lots of time on my knees, asking God for guidance & to please "show me" & correct me, but my prayers always end the same...
W/me on my knees, looking up to the heavens, w/tears in my eyes, saying "Thank you. Thank you so much. I don't know why you chose me to love her, nurture her, protect her & raise her, but THANK YOU JESUS! I am doing my best, God. I really am. Help me do better! And... THANK YOU. I love you."
So, these decisions will soon be standing directly in front of me, looking me square in the eye & saying, "What are you gonna do? Huh?"
A great part of these choices to be made are going to be based on the results of some things (the ones I can't really talk about yet).
For now, I wait. Patiently. Anxiously. Quietly. Just... wait.
Part of the reason that so much time has elapsed between my first post, moving the blog to this website & the next post is b/c I was a bit under the weather, & then my sweet sweet baby took ill for a few days after I did. It was a scary time for me as "Mommy" but she is doing so much better & seems to be back to her happy, healthy self! :)
There is alot going on in my life at the present & I can't really inform you of it all, but trust - it is a doozie! BUT... the stories will be told... eventually... when it is necessary & appropriate.
That time just isn't now.
Anyways, I have also seen a doctor, have been recommended to a couple of other doctors & well, frankly... I don't know how I feel about it all. Doctors, doctors, doctors & yet still no answers. Hmmm... I don't know if this is the route I want to go anymore.
I think I may try something very different - if it doesn't work, I won't be any worse off then I am now. And if it does... well... then it can only get better & better!
I am feeling a lifestyle change. I really am.
There is an itch to make some drastic changes that I have never really felt before.
There is an ache deep in my bones to change the way that I live.
I am moving slowly to make sure that I am making clear, well thought out decisions that are best for both my daughter & I.
The first step is to get a consultation for acupuncture & move into that form of "treatment" before I let anyone decide to do any other surgery on me or the likes.
I am in search of a place & person that feels "right" & I'm hoping to find that very soon.
Well Folks, I guess I have said enough for this post.
Hope this helps you to feel "caught up" - at least for the moment!
Create your world! ;)
Until next time...
Guess I'm starting a blog...
*SIGH*
Now *DEEP BREATH*
There are so many things that are beyond our control, so many people that we wish we could change, so many circumstances we wish were better, so many experiences we wish we didn't have to go through.But in the end... all we can really control, change, & make better is...ourself.
And those uncontrollable things, crazy people, crappy circumstances, & painful experiences... well... in the end, they make us stronger, wiser, better.
I'm keeping my eye on the prize regardless.
Life is what you make it.
It can be beautiful if you bring beauty to it.
It can be ugly if you bring ugliness to it.
It can be sweet if you bring sweetness to it.
It can be wicked if you bring wickedness to it.
Sure, it can be affected by those around you, or circumstances you may find yourself in. That is most definitely true.
But your life is only affected b/c YOU are affected.
Take back your power.
Take back control of your own life - your own world.
No one can touch that. No one can take that from you.
UNLESS you allow them to!
So regardless of the ignorance, immaturity, pettiness, foolishness, ugliness & wickedness I am faced with every single day in one way, shape or form.... I choose to only be a witness to it & no longer be a willing participant.
I choose beauty.
I choose sweetness.
I choose joy.
I choose peace.
I choose loveliness.
How can I not? My daughter is the epitome of all of these & I have the God-given right & pleasure of raising her & spending every day for the rest of my life loving her.
How can my life be anything less than beautiful, sweet & lovely when I get to love her everyday?
So...this my friends is my journey...
I have FINALLY gained the courage to begin this journey. It is a journey to create my world & fill it w/beauty, sweetness, joy, peace, & loveliness. It is a journey to become the woman that God created me to be. It is a journey to becoming independent & STRONG again. It is a journey to find my own place of zen regardless of what whirlwind may be going on around me.
It is a journey to grab myself & my life by the collar & say, "Get a hold of yourself Man!"
It is a journey to create, shape, & mold my world into exactly what I want it to be!
It is a journey.... to say the least.
I am confident that there will be dark times & moments when I feel beat up, weak, tired & run-down, but I promise, to live those moments & let them pass.
I will no longer embrace them.
There is so much history that goes along w/what has brought me to this place & I will try to fill you all in as we go along, but I doubt I'll ever be able to get it all in.
In the meantime, enjoy my journey & if it helps just one person get through a dark moment, then it was well worth it.
And truth be told, I have no plan. I have zero blueprints for how I'm going to get this done, or what the next step is from here, but... hey! At least it will be exciting! ;)
All I know is that I've got to make some changes, & I've got to make them NOW!
Feel free to check up on me, hold me accountable if I haven't blogged & ask me questions. I will try my very best to keep this blog as real, candid, raw, & honest as possible.
Soooooo...
Raise your glasses & toast w/me! To a new beginning & one hell of a journey!
CHEERS!
Until tomorrow... ;)
Now *DEEP BREATH*
There are so many things that are beyond our control, so many people that we wish we could change, so many circumstances we wish were better, so many experiences we wish we didn't have to go through.But in the end... all we can really control, change, & make better is...ourself.
And those uncontrollable things, crazy people, crappy circumstances, & painful experiences... well... in the end, they make us stronger, wiser, better.
I'm keeping my eye on the prize regardless.
Life is what you make it.
It can be beautiful if you bring beauty to it.
It can be ugly if you bring ugliness to it.
It can be sweet if you bring sweetness to it.
It can be wicked if you bring wickedness to it.
Sure, it can be affected by those around you, or circumstances you may find yourself in. That is most definitely true.
But your life is only affected b/c YOU are affected.
Take back your power.
Take back control of your own life - your own world.
No one can touch that. No one can take that from you.
UNLESS you allow them to!
So regardless of the ignorance, immaturity, pettiness, foolishness, ugliness & wickedness I am faced with every single day in one way, shape or form.... I choose to only be a witness to it & no longer be a willing participant.
I choose beauty.
I choose sweetness.
I choose joy.
I choose peace.
I choose loveliness.
How can I not? My daughter is the epitome of all of these & I have the God-given right & pleasure of raising her & spending every day for the rest of my life loving her.
How can my life be anything less than beautiful, sweet & lovely when I get to love her everyday?
So...this my friends is my journey...
I have FINALLY gained the courage to begin this journey. It is a journey to create my world & fill it w/beauty, sweetness, joy, peace, & loveliness. It is a journey to become the woman that God created me to be. It is a journey to becoming independent & STRONG again. It is a journey to find my own place of zen regardless of what whirlwind may be going on around me.
It is a journey to grab myself & my life by the collar & say, "Get a hold of yourself Man!"
It is a journey to create, shape, & mold my world into exactly what I want it to be!
It is a journey.... to say the least.
I am confident that there will be dark times & moments when I feel beat up, weak, tired & run-down, but I promise, to live those moments & let them pass.
I will no longer embrace them.
There is so much history that goes along w/what has brought me to this place & I will try to fill you all in as we go along, but I doubt I'll ever be able to get it all in.
In the meantime, enjoy my journey & if it helps just one person get through a dark moment, then it was well worth it.
And truth be told, I have no plan. I have zero blueprints for how I'm going to get this done, or what the next step is from here, but... hey! At least it will be exciting! ;)
All I know is that I've got to make some changes, & I've got to make them NOW!
Feel free to check up on me, hold me accountable if I haven't blogged & ask me questions. I will try my very best to keep this blog as real, candid, raw, & honest as possible.
Soooooo...
Raise your glasses & toast w/me! To a new beginning & one hell of a journey!
CHEERS!
Until tomorrow... ;)
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